Breaking up is hard to do. Duh.
Nobody ever looks forward to this dreadful moment in Black History, but for most of ya’ll fake relationships, it’s inevitable.
I mean really, let’s think about this. On one hand, you have the person whose unhappy, ready to move on and is generally bored, done, whatever (Dumper), and then there’s the other person (Dumpee). It’s generally not pretty. In fact, breaking up reminds me a lot of Flavor Flav’s face – get my drift.
I’ve only had two break-ups in my life. One time I was Dumper, the other, yep you guessed it, Dumpee. So with all my experience (lol, shut up!), of course this makes me an expert.
Pay attention.
Depending on whether you’re Mr. Dumper, Ms. Dumpee or vice versa, there’s shit you’re not supposed to do. EVER.
Read my lips, er, next word: EEVVVVVEEERRRR!
Lucky for yoooouuuu, you have me to let you how you’re supposed to conduct yourself. Accordingly, of course.
10 Things You SHOULD NOT DO If You Tell Someone to: Kick Rocks. (DUMPER)
*Ahem*
I. DO NOT call them for a (in the words of Solange Knowles) Champagnechroniknightcap. – I love that song. But you shouldn’t do it. I know, I know. You want to see them naked again, just one more time, OR, you CANT STAND him/her but you haven’t quite found someone to make your toes curl like the old joint. QUIT IT. They’ll think you still love them…and you don’t.
II. Matter of fact, don’t call them at all. Seriously, when the phone rings and your name comes up, or they get the infamous “what you doing” text, some sort of hope takes over their being and they become demonized (red eyes and all) where all kinds of hope, mixed signals, daydreams, and trips down memory lane possess their mind; Logic becomes cloudly and they get this UBER ego boost cause “you still thinking about them.” Again, QUIT IT.
III. Aight. I know I said don’t call them, but DO NOT completely ignore them either. If you see ‘em out, just say hi and keep it moving. I’m sure you guys have mutual friends. Circles are bound to cross. Plus, you won’t seem like the 4 year old that you are and nobody’ll ever know about that tantrum you just held in the bathroom when you saw them pull up in their car 10 minutes ago.
IV. DO NOT go to the family gathering, classmate wedding, best friend going away cookout/bbq, mutal friend bar mitzvah, cousin baby christening, ANYTHING! – as their date. Sure, you like to keep promises and six months ago, you said you would go with them, BUT it’s over. You’re single now, own it. When asked: “where’s Such&Such” or “How’s What’sHisFace?” grin and bear it. You shouldn’t have to try and save face, no matter how much your family LOVED “ThatBitch”.
V. DO NOT take the new one where there’s a strong possibility you will run into the old one. Self explanatory, I won’t go into detail.
VI. DO NOT have sexual relations with their mother, father, best friend, cousin, sister, brother, niece, or nephew. Heeeelllloooooo, Maury!
Sharing juices is just out right nasty, in case you ain’t know.
VII. DO NOT WRITE THEM A LETTER! You know what I’m talking about. The one where you clearly outline EEEVVVEERRYYTHING they did wrong or could have done better. How you thought they mother never liked you anyway or how hard you “held them down”, did this and that, how ungrateful they are, and how they not perfect either! *Whew* Yea.
1. If they were even CONSIDERING getting back with you cause they know they “fucked up” or simply cause they crazy, you’ve definitely put the nail in the coffin on that one – IT’S DEAD.
2. You might get a letter back. Uh oh.
VIII. DO NOT call their mama. When you and psycho ex break up, so do you and Mama.
IX. DO NOT get on FaceBook, MySpace (people have that anymore? I never did.), Google statuses, etc., etc. with the bullshit. Nobody cares if you’re “single, sexy and free” or my personal favorite: “Joe WhereTheButtNakedHoesAt Smoe.”
Why you ask? Good question. It creates unnecessary and unhealthy conversations and frankly, you just might get stabbed. I’m not saying you can’t have a divorce party, fuck that bitch, im over that scrub party, or anything, just keep it classy –- you know, where your ex, the homies, the family, and the colleagues can’t see your newfound happiness and sex tapes. Wait. Too much?
X. DO NOT compare your last relationship with the next. Of course you should learn from your mistakes, but try not to continuously tell the new person about the old person. “My ex-boyfriend this, My last girl that.” If the old person used to buy you flowers “just cause it’s Wednesday”, and you liked that, just mention to the new taker how much you like flowers. See how easy that is. Leave out Whatchamacallit.
Now. Dumper, if you didn’t know, the goal of getting out of relationships is to make your life as drama free as possible. I’m sure I left out some other things you shouldn’t do, but these are critical don’ts.
Hey, Dumpee! I got something for you too. Hold tight. I’ll be right back.
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