Thanks for patiently waiting. I definitely have a life and couldn’t do both Dumper and Dumpee yesterday. No offense.
For those of you that are new and confused - read yesterday’s first, then come back. Again, no offense.
Today, Kiddies, we’re gonna discuss being dump-ED as opposed to dump-ING. I’ll state the obvious and say that nobody ever wants to be the person that’s dumped, but it happens. Insensitive, you say? Not at all. I just believe, whole-heartedly, that no one wants to be the idiot standing outside at four and five o’clock in the morning whispering, loudly, “Baby! Babe. I know you hear me! Baby! BABY! BABY! No officer, the person that resides here, loves, I mean, knows me.”
*Cue Maroon 5 “She Will be Loved.”*
Now. I’ve been dumped before. Yes, Reader, me. Can you believe it?
Crazy, right.
BUT! I will say the thing that really got me was the fact that there was no closure – usually happens for Dumpees worldwide but Closure was a big deal for me. I think it’s necessary.
Did I ever get it? No.
Will I? Maybe. Possibly a week before my wedding day or so when he comes crawling back telling me how much he love me and all that jazz. Too late, Buddy.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, getting dumped is ass. And because I’ve been there, you’ve been there, and those foreigners that we never get to see that live on the other side of the Planet has been there, I feel that it’s only proper that I bestow upon you the top ten things that you shouldn’t do if you’re the Dumpee.
10 Things You SHOULD NOT DO If You’re Kicking Rocks (DUMPEE)
Number 1. DO NOT so through all 5000 pictures on FaceBook and delete or untag any picture with you and the old joint. Seriously, people. What good does that do? You still have memories in your head! What are you gonna do? Beat yourself til you cant remember no mo’?! I didn’t think so. PLUS FaceBook has a time and date stamp. We know ya’ll were together Freshman through Junior year because the date tells us. Yesterday is not the same as today. Remember that.
Number B. Matter of fact, stay off their FaceBook page. DO NOT follow them like Herpes. Checking their page twice a day, everyday, is only gonna make you miserable. And that new joint they got in their pictures will break the flood gates that are holding back monsoons of eye precipitation. TRUST ME. I’m 249% positive you’ll never see anything you want to see, but everything you don’t want to see.
Letter 3. (I’ve done this..but I’ve learned from my mistakes) DO NOT go through and re-read every email you have from them saved. You know, in that special folder. Especially if that’s where you’re looking for answers to why the break-up even happened. I’ll bet more money that there aren’t any signs of your relationship’s death. People usually don’t send emails saying: “You know, you just don’t do it for me anymore. I know it’s bad, but I prayed that you would get hit by Metro so I wouldn’t have to deal with your trifling ass anymore.” The emails typically go like this: “Hey, beautiful. I thought about you all night. I couldn’t sleep. Can’t wait to see you, hold you, shower you will Eskimo kisses and smother (cuddle) you til’ neither one of us can breathe.”
D. DO NOT call them every 5 minutes to curse them out! Why? Are you crazy! For one they’re not going to answer every time and a person like me isn’t actually going to ALLOW you to curse me out. Basically you’re expending a lot of energy you could be putting to more constructive activities, like mast*rb*tion or making shopping.
5. DO NOT watch chick flicks, romantic comedies, etc., etc. It’s torture people. And to be quite honest, you probably didn’t really have the same kind of romance depicted ANYWAY! I’ll bet money that your “romance” was more like Jody and Yvette from Baby Boy. Just sad.
Number 6. (people actually do this) DO NOT pretend like it aint over. Do I really have to explain this one? I’ll take questions at the end. MOVING ON!
G. DO NOT go on a scissor happy spree - Cutting up all they shit. Lol Boyfriend jeans are in right now, wear his sweater with them! Girls look HOT in baseball caps, too. I’m sure you could use some night shirts. Men, hmmmmmmm don’t wear her clothes. Ummmm just..uhhhhh throw ‘em out. Yea. No need to cut, just throw.
Letter 8. I think it’s safe to say that you SHOULD NOT go and have unprotected, vengeful, getback sex. I mean, For what? How would the other person ever know that you’re “getting back” at them? Shouldn’t be fornicating ANYWAY! But for those of you that are – how can I put this? Oh: Then comes baby in the baby carriage!
Numero Nine-o. DO NOT cry and cry and cry, drink, and cry and drink some more. Face all swollen. Hell, DO NOT LET YOURSELF GO! Please keep it together! I know you’re going through a lot right now, but it’s not fair, ladies, that I have to see your tracks showing cause you forgot your hair needed to be done, or fellas, the taco meat on your head because you don’t feel like going to the barbershop. Although it’ll make a great blog post for me, it’s not so attractive for you. Ok? Ok.
DRUM ROLL PLEEEAAASSEEEEEE - And this is the most important one…
10. DO NOT forget that it’s their lost. Honestly, that old joint prolly did you a favor by dumping you. When’s the last time you did something for yourself? Huh? Start now.
Besides, remember there’s always SOMEBODY else that wants to sleep with you – I mean, be with you. Hehe.
Peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment