Saturday, September 10, 2011

Far Away From Here...

I've never had a suicidal thought. 

Runaway, yes, but never wanted to actually kill myself.  I'm bringing this up because lately I haven't been happy and I just wish that one or two things would happen: 1) time stops dead in its tracks and I can take as much of it as I need to do whatever I want or whatever needs to be done so that I'm back to my old self again or 2) I find a sack of at least one million dollars so I can get this Pimp-Named-Sallie-Mae off my back and take time to travel the world - All in hopes of clearing my mind.

- Either way -

Guess you're wondering: "Well, what on Earth is on Court-Boo's mind?" That is, if you even care for real. And to answer your question, Reader, it's quite a few things. I won't list them because maybe you could be going through a similar phase and I really don't want to extend an invitation for you to join the pity party. 

While I'm writing this, a song continually spins in my mind, stuck on the same refrain: Far away from here, far away from here, far away from. Just jump in a taxi cab, pack a bag and get away fast.

Know that song? Yea, me either..well not outside the refrain.

Funny how Life treats you. But you never consider what Life is doing to you until you feel it's turned its back on you. But when you pretend to not give a shit about Life and the fact that it's around, you  subconsciously consider it a privilege; a god-send; Life, that is. You never thought about Life and what you're actually doing.  Or why, in fact, you're so content with it at that moment.

Guess the old saying is true: you don't know what you got til it's gone.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

"No, Sir." ...an excerpt

ex·cerpt

 [n. ek-surpt; v. ik-surpt, ek-surpt]  Show IPA
–noun
1.
a passage or quotation taken or selected from a book,document, filmor the like; extract.

This is an excerpt  from a book that I'm writing. The characters have no names as of yet, but they have personalities. I don't know the setting just yet, but they all have homes. I don't know the ending, I don't know the beginning, but it's narrated by four females. Best friends. Sisters. It's a work in progress...ENJOY.

       "I like you," he said. "You cute and you read books. Er'time I see you, you got a different book in yo hand. You gotta be reading like one a day or some shit like that. All different colors."
       I think to myself: the books aren't differently colored, you idiot, just the covers. I take the covers off so idiots like you don't disturb me on the train asking if I like whatever book I'm reading and if I read any other books by whatever author, and blah, blah, blah. But I just smile.

       "Ain't too many youngin's round here that do that," he continued. "They prolly don't even know where the library and shit at," he laughed to himself. I kept walking.
       "Why you always do that?"
       "Do what?"
       "Don't say nothing. I mean you speak and all sometimes, and you wave er now and den (occasionally), but your voice is so beautiful, you should speak more often. It's like you be making love to my ears." Guess that was his way of complimenting me.        "It's not you," I said. "I just speak all day at work. Sometimes it's just nice to be quiet and listen," I choked out, trying to keep a smile in my voice so he wasn't offended.

       We're now walking at a brisk pace. I travel the same way to and from work everyday. I could probably walk this path with my eyes closed. I'm not really into routines, people watch you, you know. So, sometimes I come home a little earlier, a little later, or get dropped off - gotta keep 'em guessing. My grandmother told me this a long time ago - to switch it up sometimes. And her words came to life that night someone broke into our house when I was 14.
        Our screen door needed to be fix, the lock was broken, and Nanny would put a flower pot in the corner of the door just in the right spot, enough to keep the wind from catching the door and break the glass, she would say. I guess we didn't get it fixed quickly enough because when we came home after our pastor's 10th anniversary celebration, someone had moved the pot, opened the unlocked screen door, kicked the front door in and ransacked our home. And when they were done, they put the pot right back in it's spot, like nothing ever happened. It wasnt the first time in life I felt violated, but definitely the first time I fainted. Guess we were being watched.

       This young man would be around sometimes, sometimes not. One could assume he didn't live around here. I never paid him any mind, for real. Didn't seem like too much of a threat. He said just enough for me to know of him, but not enough to seem harassing.
       "You know, er'time I'm out here, I see you walking home in yo lil' business suits wit yo nice legs showin, dey nice too, and yo lil' heels and briefcase. You must work downtown and shit. Downtown got nothing but suits, ties and squares in the pocket."
       "I do," I said, turning the corner to my block.
       "Guess you into guys with the same image then, huh? A Nigga like me don't stand a chance"
I laughed. "I dont have a preference. As long as they are easy on the eyes, have a sense of humor and can hold a conversation, I'll consider them. You'd be surprised how many can't even fit that description."
       "So that Nigga that be dropping you off and picking you up sometimes must be like that cause he ain't never got no suit on, even when you do. I can dig it, though. Either way I still don't have a chance. I'm not like them niggas downtown, and I'm not him."
       A flash of Prince Charming & I making love consumed my mind for a moment. Passionate, hard-core love-making. The kind you'd be embarrassed if your momma knew that you reached that climax before wedlock. And then the guy in front of me, his words snapped me backed to reality.

       "I ain't seen him or his car around he lately. He fucking up?"
       What the hell. This fool been watching me for real!

       "Nice chatting with you," I said, as I opened the gate to my house. And I did to him exactly what he thought I would do, not give him a chance.
        Not even five minutes later, I'm out my clothes and into a Michael Kors jogging suit ready to walk the dog. I grab my keys, grab my iPod, grab the leash, and I'm out. Keeping with the routine I try not to keep, Boss and I lightly jog down our block and hit the corner on our way to the park. Today, I feel good, so our light jog is more of a slow run today. You're laughing, but there's a difference. The sun is now setting, it's beautiful. Rays are slicing the cumulus clouds like grandma's Thanksgiving ham and the sky is a purplish-reddish-pinkish hue. It's like a work of art. God is truly majestic, I whisper. 
Boss and I have ran the entire park, twice, and are now walking home. It's only like a half a mile. Both of us dreaming of lots of water, a meal, and the sectional in the living room.  The sky is now shades of blue, every one out the Crayola box. I can literally see the night shooing the day into rest in a manly way, gently, yet stern enough for the day to subside like a faithful wife.
        I turn the corner for my street street, surprisingly, no one's out. No kids, no teens, no police, no one.
       "One more block and we're there, Boss! Let's race! Shit, hold on, my laces are undone." I slide the loop of his leash on the fence of a corner house - an alley separates this one from the next block of houses. I bend to tie my shoe and when I stand again, there he is, this Nigga. Boss is at attention, straight posture, ears pulled back, ready to strike at my command. I quickly secure my stance and draw back my right fist, all in a swift move.
       "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Downtown! Sheesh! Instead of calling him, Lil Killa, I should start calling you that. You got some fight in you, I like that shit."
       "You scared the fuck out of me!"
       "You scared the fuck out of me," he mocked. "Man, I love you're voice. You so artaclict."
       "Articulate," I corrected, trying my best not to sound condescending.
       "Yea, ar-tic-u-late. I thought I won't gon make it for a minute. Damn.   Can I ask you a question?"
       "Shoot," I said, reaching for Boss' leash.
       "I hope I don't have too," he whispered as he cocked his gun underneath his hoodie. I froze.               "You're not gonna make me use this, are you?"

Friday, August 5, 2011

"A Lot Like Love" - an excerpt.

ex·cerpt

  [n. ek-surpt; v. ik-surpt, ek-surpt]  Show IPA
–noun
1.
a passage or quotation taken or selected from a book,document, filmor the like; extract.

This is an excerpt  from a book that I'm writing. The characters have no names as of yet, but they have personalities. I don't know the setting just yet, but they all have homes. I don't know the ending, I don't know the beginning, but it's narrated by four females. Best friends. Sisters. It's a work in progress...ENJOY.
"... I like him. A lot. So much that I'm questioning myself, asking: is this love? Is this real? I'm acting totally different these days. I find myself smiling when I'm alone. Somehow, I'm always bringing him up in conversations with the girls, wanting to invite him to my work events, cooking what he likes the most dessert and all, thinking about what makes him happy, and how I can surprise him. I grew fonder after every talk, after every date, after every hug, after every kiss, after every orgasm.
He seems perfect in every way possible. So perfect that I'm now questioning him: What the fuck is wrong with him? Does he really exist, or am I dreaming? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. But I'll tell you what I do know: 
He cares. He makes me feel wanted. He likes me for me. He tells me I'm beautiful inside and out. He asks how my day was in all sincerity. He listens. He thanks me for my kind gestures. He comes over late at night, not for my sex but for my company. He's interested in what drives me. He works. He plays. And up until now, he's done nothing but make me feel like I'm the only girl in his world that matters. It's like a classic Disney fairy tale.
Today was the day I wanted to express my feelings to him - to tell him how much I value his honesty and our "relationship". Today was the day I wanted to explicitly know what was on his mind - What he thought about me, about us; if he felt the same as me about life - lucky.
But today, everything changed. 
I've never been afraid of the truth. Maybe the truth being brought to light, but never the truth itself. When people know the truth, they then have the option to deal with the monster that's in its face as opposed to fearing what they really don't know to be present...in the dark. I always try to tell the truth. It was a rule instilled in me since I can remember. Not to mention the fact that God says: thou shalt not lie. I wanna go to heaven. Dont we all? Today, I faced the truth. It was right there in front of me. If I wanted to, I could touch it. It answered, bluntly, without me even asking all the questions I wanted to ask, that he definitely does not feel the same way I do. And it hits me like a tidal wave. The kind that strikes when you're conveniently far from shore, no one around to help, the buoy's not long enough to reach, and you can feel yourself drowning.
Today, I saw him; And her; Together; Their wedding bands; Holding hands; making googly eyes; Laughing; Smiling; And that look in his eyes that says: wait til I get you home. Time stopped. Everything moved in slow motion.
And then came the kids.
Running. Two of them.
A tall, fit, boy, who looks like a future wide receiver, and the cutest little girl I've ever seen. The kind that could easily grace a Gap Kids ad, who'll grow to be a successful model, effortlessly; making her daddy proud. Immediately, my flood gates break;  filling my eyes ferociously with tears. At this moment, I feel the same way New Orleans felt when Katrina came to visit - unprepared and overwhelmed. Today, I faced the truth. And for the first time in my life, I'm afraid.
I was wrong about him. He's not what I and every girl long for: a knight in shining armor, different than all the others, honest, considerate, devoted. 
Here's something else I know: By no means was he ever and is no longer my Prince Charming. For Prince Charming would never take Cinderella's pumpkin carriage and smear it all over her face ..."
Thoughts? Comments? They're much appreciated.


Peace. 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Heavy Heart.


I’m not sure…
Confused.
        Bewildered.
Bamboozled.
     Afraid.
         Indecisive.
Hostile.
        Hesitant.
Amazed.
                                                                            I’m not sure…
Unaware.
            Wavering.
      Teetering.
Stuck.
Mind racing, feeling complacent.
       Restless.
Impatient.
                    On edge.
                Stressed out.
          Uneasy.
                  In doubt.
         All I want is more.
Are you sure?


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

This man, Weiner, and his wiener...haha.

Well, it's hump day. So it's only fitting that I take a brief moment to address a wiener.
CNN reported on Monday that United States Representative Anthony Weiner, who is married, admitting to tweeting pictures of his thing to a woman (21yr old student) in Seattle, Washington, and how he also had 6 other online relationships (So far). They also quoted him saying: "The women are ‘generally women that I met on Facebook...[he] never met the women in person, and has never had sex outside his marriage." -- BULLSHIT.
Oh shit, I fucked up.
And to add insult to injury, one of the women rumored to be in an online relationship with Weiner is none other than a porn star, Ginger Lee.
I don’t believe him for one bit! He ain't touch any of them. Ha! So after “mistakenly” tweeting the lewd picture of your crotch, you want me to believe that your account was hacked??!?! – LIAR. No, let me tell you what happened: Yo punk ass realized you publically tweeted it as opposed to sending a DM (direct message). You tried to delete it, but remembered how nothing EVER disappears after it’s tweeted. So you conjure up this fake ass story about how your account was hacked. And FURTHERMORE! Why the hell would you do something like this via a social networking site? Did the constituents of New York really elect such a dumb ass! I mean come on! If you’re gonna start cheating on your wife, don’t do it through Twitter. Matter of fact, let me see your phone. If it wasn’t so wrong, man, then why lie in the first place?!?!? Because, Weiner, you knew sending pictures of your wiener to other women was DEAD wrong! Hey, Weiner! Do you and your wiener feel like a winner now?!?!? lol.
Ok, Imma chill, Shawty. But this whole sexting shit is getting out of hand. And the way that men and women view this technology intimacy is VERY different. Many men, like him, think that just because sexual exchanges are done verbally or virtually, not physically, it doesn’t constitute them cheating. For men, if he caught his wife sexting, he would be furious. It is damn near unforgivable! 
“Are you having an affair?!?! How could you do this to me? What will my boys and colleagues think? I loved you.”
Now that the tables are turned, the man doing the sexting, is it cheating to him? No. It’s nothing. 
“I didn’t cheat on you. I never met her! I love you, not her. I was just chatting with them girls, I was gon’ get right back.”
Women on the other hand view any sort of emotional and/or sexual interaction a betrayal like none other.
To us, no matter if intercourse has taken place or not, we consider acts such as this cheating. For our man to be a part of an emotional relationship with someone outside of our relationship it crushes us. Him buying the other woman flowers, wondering how she’s doing, spending quality time with her, saying or sending lewd mail, etc., etc. are building blocks to a new relationship, one where this other woman does something for you that apparently your Baby isn’t doing. Our man’s unhappy. It hurts EVEN more because 9 times out of 10, the man has never mentioned this problematic area of the relationship; maybe the wife wouldn’t mind sexting, role-playing, all that.
Aight, I’m pretty much tired of discussing another public figure’s sex life. If you‘re having problems distinguishing whether or not you’re in the right or wrong in dealing with members of the opposite sex, ask yourself this question:
Would you text it, post it online, or send it to someone with your significant other or spouse over your shoulder? If you answer yes, then it’s not infidelity. No, you say? Cheater! Cheater! Pumpkin eater!
I for one feel sorry that his Weiner’s wife has to go through this public scrutiny of her husband’s wiener, but on the other hand, I hope his list is longer than Tiger’s, Arnold Schwarzenegger wasn’t enough drama for me. lol
Welcome, Weiner, you have now officially joined the ranks of bipartisan stupid ass men.
Peace.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

FlawfulLessly Perfect w/ Imperfections

I recently met this guy.

He shall remain nameless but for all intent purposes we’ll call him: Boss. Initially, Boss seemed pretty cool. I mean we had light to moderate conversations via Gchat, text messaging, and by phone. And to be honest, Reader, he kind of caught my attention by how he kept up in dialogue and his humor. (I’m a stickler for that!) He’s pretty hot too. But I digress.

I guess it’s safe to assume that he may have felt the same way about me (in terms of grabbing his attention) because after all of that, he precedes to ask:

If you're this wonderful young lady with this great personality, why are you single? Is it that you don't get out enough?
You know what, Boss, that’s a good ass question! I've been asking myself for quite some time now. 
I get out! Not clubbing every Thursday through Sunday like a dog in heat, but I get out! I’m more well-rounded like galas, networking socials, happy hours, girls nights, hanging with coworkers and their friends, my sister’s circles, etc., etc. I’ve even been on a few dates. They just turned out to be LAME! Trust me, I’m trying.
Damn, sucks for you, says Boss.
Yes, sucks for me.
I hadn’t realized how long it’s been since my last relationship came to an abrupt hault (coming up on 3 years now) or even a constant dating partner until earlier this year and I had to ask myself: was it me? But then I quickly realized, HELL NO!

Imma go ahead and step out on a limb and say that I AM PERFECT; something like a prototype; last of a dying breed – all that; worth it. 
I recognize my perfection is not perfected. But what bamboozles me is that my perfection goes undetected.

^^^ yea, read that again, it’s profound ^^^

I'm not gonna sit here and list all my credentials and reasonings as to why I feel that I'm perfect. Nor will I toot my own horn for much longer. But I will tell you, Reader, how I feel about perfect people and perfect relation or newfound friendships:  


Perfect relationships aren't meant to start perfectly. Hell, no relationship is ever perfect at all; no matter what you're idea of perfection is. An imperfect Perfect relationship is one that is shared with someone with whom u can grow together with towards perfection; to share good times with; overcome obstacles with; laugh with; support unspeakable; shoulders to cry on; inhibitions lost; ALL equally, ALL entirely, ALL tirelessly, ALL foreverly. 
- With each other -
And when that happens, Reader, I can only imagine that it tastes something like a White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia Nut Cheesecake topped with feathery whipped cream, drizzled lightly with caramel.

But to answer his question, I merely said: I'm looking for someone who's looking for Wonderful and knows it when he sees it. I don’t know, maybe guys aren’t looking for Wonderful right now...and that's all I can be. 
*PA.system.noise* 
Paging Mister Right, Paging Mister Right!
NOT Mister Right now!

And trust me, I haven’t given up, Boss.

Peace.

Friday, May 27, 2011

It's Basketball Season. Got DUMPED on? (Part II of II - Breaking Up Dont's)

Thanks for patiently waiting. I definitely have a life and couldn’t do both Dumper and Dumpee yesterday. No offense.
For those of you that are new and confused - read yesterday’s first, then come back. Again, no offense.
Today, Kiddies, we’re gonna discuss being dump-ED as opposed to dump-ING. I’ll state the obvious and say that nobody ever wants to be the person that’s dumped, but it happens. Insensitive, you say? Not at all. I just believe, whole-heartedly, that no one wants to be the idiot standing outside at four and five o’clock in the morning whispering, loudly, “Baby! Babe. I know you hear me! Baby! BABY! BABY! No officer, the person that resides here, loves, I mean, knows me.”
*Cue Maroon 5 “She Will be Loved.”*
Now. I’ve been dumped before. Yes, Reader, me. Can you believe it?
Crazy, right.
BUT! I will say the thing that really got me was the fact that there was no closure – usually happens for Dumpees worldwide but Closure was a big deal for me. I think it’s necessary.
Did I ever get it? No.
Will I? Maybe. Possibly a week before my wedding day or so when he comes crawling back telling me how much he love me and all that jazz. Too late, Buddy.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, getting dumped is ass. And because I’ve been there, you’ve been there, and those foreigners that we never get to see that live on the other side of the Planet has been there, I feel that it’s only proper that I bestow upon you the top ten things that you shouldn’t do if you’re the Dumpee.
10 Things You SHOULD NOT DO If You’re Kicking Rocks (DUMPEE)
Number 1. DO NOT so through all 5000 pictures on FaceBook and delete or untag any picture with you and the old joint. Seriously, people. What good does that do? You still have memories in your head! What are you gonna do? Beat yourself til you cant remember no mo’?! I didn’t think so. PLUS FaceBook has a time and date stamp. We know ya’ll were together Freshman through Junior year because the date tells us. Yesterday is not the same as today. Remember that.
Number B. Matter of fact, stay off their FaceBook page. DO NOT follow them like Herpes. Checking their page twice a day, everyday, is only gonna make you miserable. And that new joint they got in their pictures will break the flood gates that are holding back monsoons of eye precipitation. TRUST ME. I’m 249% positive you’ll never see anything you want to see, but everything you don’t want to see.
Letter 3. (I’ve done this..but I’ve learned from my mistakes) DO NOT go through and re-read every email you have from them saved. You know, in that special folder. Especially if that’s where you’re looking for answers to why the break-up even happened. I’ll bet more money that there aren’t any signs of your relationship’s death. People usually don’t send emails saying: “You know, you just don’t do it for me anymore. I know it’s bad, but I prayed that you would get hit by Metro so I wouldn’t have to deal with your trifling ass anymore.” The emails typically go like this: “Hey, beautiful. I thought about you all night. I couldn’t sleep. Can’t wait to see you, hold you, shower you will Eskimo kisses and smother (cuddle) you til’ neither one of us can breathe.”
D. DO NOT call them every 5 minutes to curse them out! Why? Are you crazy! For one they’re not going to answer every time and a person like me isn’t actually going to ALLOW you to curse me out. Basically you’re expending a lot of energy you could be putting to more constructive activities, like mast*rb*tion or making shopping.
5. DO NOT watch chick flicks, romantic comedies, etc., etc. It’s torture people. And to be quite honest, you probably didn’t really have the same kind of romance depicted ANYWAY! I’ll bet money that your “romance” was more like Jody and Yvette from Baby Boy. Just sad.
Number 6. (people actually do this) DO NOT pretend like it aint over. Do I really have to explain this one? I’ll take questions at the end. MOVING ON!
G. DO NOT go on a scissor happy spree - Cutting up all they shit. Lol Boyfriend jeans are in right now, wear his sweater with them! Girls look HOT in baseball caps, too. I’m sure you could use some night shirts. Men, hmmmmmmm don’t wear her clothes. Ummmm just..uhhhhh throw ‘em out. Yea. No need to cut, just throw.
Letter 8. I think it’s safe to say that you SHOULD NOT go and have unprotected, vengeful, getback sex. I mean, For what? How would the other person ever know that you’re “getting back” at them? Shouldn’t be fornicating ANYWAY! But for those of you that are – how can I put this? Oh: Then comes baby in the baby carriage!
Numero Nine-o. DO NOT cry and cry and cry, drink, and cry and drink some more. Face all swollen. Hell, DO NOT LET YOURSELF GO! Please keep it together! I know you’re going through a lot right now, but it’s not fair, ladies, that I have to see your tracks showing cause you forgot your hair needed to be done, or fellas, the taco meat on your head because you don’t feel like going to the barbershop. Although it’ll make a great blog post for me, it’s not so attractive for you. Ok? Ok.
DRUM ROLL PLEEEAAASSEEEEEE - And this is the most important one…
10. DO NOT forget that it’s their lost. Honestly, that old joint prolly did you a favor by dumping you. When’s the last time you did something for yourself? Huh? Start now.
Besides, remember there’s always SOMEBODY else that wants to sleep with you – I mean, be with you. Hehe.
Peace.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Dump Me? DUMP YOU!! (Part I of II - Breaking Up Dont's)

Breaking up is hard to do. Duh.
Nobody ever looks forward to this dreadful moment in Black History, but for most of ya’ll fake relationships, it’s inevitable.
I mean really, let’s think about this. On one hand, you have the person whose unhappy, ready to move on and is generally bored, done, whatever (Dumper), and then there’s the other person (Dumpee). It’s generally not pretty. In fact, breaking up reminds me a lot of Flavor Flav’s face – get my drift.
I’ve only had two break-ups in my life. One time I was Dumper, the other, yep you guessed it, Dumpee. So with all my experience (lol, shut up!), of course this makes me an expert.
Pay attention.
Depending on whether you’re Mr. Dumper, Ms. Dumpee or vice versa, there’s shit you’re not supposed to do. EVER.
Read my lips, er, next word: EEVVVVVEEERRRR!
Lucky for yoooouuuu, you have me to let you how you’re supposed to conduct yourself. Accordingly, of course.

10 Things You SHOULD NOT DO If You Tell Someone to: Kick Rocks. (DUMPER)
*Ahem*
      I.     DO NOT call them for a (in the words of Solange Knowles) Champagnechroniknightcap. – I love that song. But you shouldn’t do it. I know, I know. You want to see them naked again, just one more time, OR, you CANT STAND him/her but you haven’t quite found someone to make your toes curl like the old joint. QUIT IT. They’ll think you still love them…and you don’t.
    II.     Matter of fact, don’t call them at all. Seriously, when the phone rings and your name comes up, or they get the infamous “what you doing” text, some sort of hope takes over their being and they become demonized (red eyes and all) where all kinds of hope, mixed signals, daydreams, and trips down memory lane possess their mind; Logic becomes cloudly and they get this UBER ego boost cause “you still thinking about them.” Again, QUIT IT.
  III.     Aight. I know I said don’t call them, but DO NOT completely ignore them either. If you see ‘em out, just say hi and keep it moving. I’m sure you guys have mutual friends. Circles are bound to cross. Plus, you won’t seem like the 4 year old that you are and nobody’ll ever know about that tantrum you just held in the bathroom when you saw them pull up in their car 10 minutes ago.
  IV.     DO NOT go to the family gathering, classmate wedding, best friend going away cookout/bbq, mutal friend bar mitzvah, cousin baby christening, ANYTHING! – as their date. Sure, you like to keep promises and six months ago, you said you would go with them, BUT it’s over. You’re single now, own it. When asked: “where’s Such&Such” or “How’s What’sHisFace?” grin and bear it. You shouldn’t have to try and save face, no matter how much your family LOVED “ThatBitch”.
    V.     DO NOT take the new one where there’s a strong possibility you will run into the old one. Self explanatory, I won’t go into detail.
  VI.     DO NOT have sexual relations with their mother, father, best friend, cousin, sister, brother, niece, or nephew. Heeeelllloooooo, Maury!
Sharing juices is just out right nasty, in case you ain’t know.
VII.     DO NOT WRITE THEM A LETTER! You know what I’m talking about. The one where you clearly outline EEEVVVEERRYYTHING they did wrong or could have done better. How you thought they mother never liked you anyway or how hard you “held them down”, did this and that, how ungrateful they are, and how they not perfect either! *Whew* Yea.
1.     If they were even CONSIDERING getting back with you cause they know they “fucked up” or simply cause they crazy, you’ve definitely put the nail in the coffin on that one – IT’S DEAD.
2.     You might get a letter back. Uh oh.
VIII.     DO NOT call their mama. When you and psycho ex break up, so do you and Mama.
  IX.     DO NOT get on FaceBook, MySpace (people have that anymore? I never did.), Google statuses, etc., etc. with the bullshit. Nobody cares if you’re “single, sexy and free” or my personal favorite: “Joe WhereTheButtNakedHoesAt Smoe.”
Why you ask? Good question. It creates unnecessary and unhealthy conversations and frankly, you just might get stabbed. I’m not saying you can’t have a divorce party, fuck that bitch, im over that scrub party, or anything, just keep it classy –- you know, where your ex, the homies, the family, and the colleagues can’t see your newfound happiness and sex tapes. Wait. Too much?
    X.     DO NOT compare your last relationship with the next. Of course you should learn from your mistakes, but try not to continuously tell the new person about the old person. “My ex-boyfriend this, My last girl that.” If the old person used to buy you flowers “just cause it’s Wednesday”, and you liked that, just mention to the new taker how much you like flowers. See how easy that is. Leave out Whatchamacallit.
Now. Dumper, if you didn’t know, the goal of getting out of relationships is to make your life as drama free as possible. I’m sure I left out some other things you shouldn’t do, but these are critical don’ts.
Hey, Dumpee! I got something for you too. Hold tight. I’ll be right back.

Friday, April 29, 2011

April 29, 1987...a day we all Celebrate.

Soooooo I come downstairs for my ritual morning news watch only to find the channel is on VH1 and Live Soul is on....Trey Songz' "Say Aah" starts! Lol Happy Birthday, Court!

FOR YOUR LISTENING PLEASURE

Trey Songz - Say Ahh (Unplugged)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

FREEDOM RIDE…because I want to be SO FREE from this RIDE!

SOOOO this morning...bus crowded as shit. I’m standing in the front by
Mr. Driver...who I still don’t know his name, mind you; but we talk every
Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday. Those are the days he drives my route.
At any rate...he says, while he's driving:
"Well look at you...I see you're showing those pretty legs today"
"Huh? what? Oh, thanks." ...def had earphones in.

People need to get off the bus from behind me, so I move towards Mr.
Driver....he goes: "Hmmm stand closer to me..you can stand closer...stay
right there" ..then kind of laughs when I move back to my spot.

THIS MAN'S WEDDING ANNIVERSARY IS FREAKIN FRIDAY,
SON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I only know this because we had this conversation months
ago about how my birthday was the same day! He’s only a year into his
marriage…God, help his wife.

At this point, I know I gotta find a spot in the back of the bus. Lucky me,
someone yells: “Back door!” There’s a free seat.
That's not the "The End" though.

Other people start to move back into the bus to make room for the damn Million
Man March that's getting on at the next stop.

Now, picture this: there's a drunk beside me...and a girl, her baby and her baby daddy on the other side of me.
Youngin’s.
This new man slides down the aisle and ends up in front of me. Both hands up in the air holding onto
the metal rail above him...his thing is in my face.

LORD HAVE MERCY.


PLEASE.

I have NO scenery to look at other than this man's crotch because I can’t stare
out the window because my back’s to it! …or look to either side of me for
too long with out staring at someone else...and I hate when people stare at
me. Ugh!
I have no choice but to look forward…And this fool is looking down at me! I hear all kinds of pornographic phrases that he could be saying about me in his head in my head...while I try and grin awkwardly. Im thinking: "God, get me through this bus ride." I might've said Allah...you
know, im Muslim now after reading the last 3 novels I’ve read lol That’s another story in itself.

Ok, I’m back...ahem where was I? oh yes...crotch in face. HA!
yes...he looking at me, im looking at him...then I notice that his fly is open.

SHIT.


The bus ride becomes terribly violent...bumps and curves, curves over bumps...abrupt
stops..I mean really! 

Immediately I start to wonder if the bastard has on any underwear. I hope he does. All the while I’m thinking.."please, please, please stay in...please stay in" ..his thing. I know I’m making some sort of face at this point. lol

I know I am.

Then all of a sudden my thinking changes to: "this would really make my day if his thing DID fall out" lol

"please, please, please fall out"

So my frown turns upside down and he notices. He smiles back...ummm I
look away.

I'm tired of saying him and he; Let’s call the bastard....uhhhhhh Ellis! Yea, I like that name.

Ellis asks: “This your stop coming up?"
I couldn’t speak...laughter was on the tip of my tongue. All I could do was shake my head no. Guess that was the answer he was looking for because he definitely proceeds to reposition himself with his legs a little more open...you know, get his stance right.

At this point, the girl with the baby looks at me, I look at her...we both shake our heads…cause she know. None of the guys notice this exchange of nonverbal communication, of course.

- PAUSE - Question: WTF do guys notice? I mean, for real! They never notice the shit they're supposed to, nor do they catch the hints they're supposed to. Somebody please tell me, please.

Anywho, back to the story,  I really wanna say at this point: "can you please get your
THING outta my face! I mean, DAMN! Turn to the side or some shit!"

I try and muster up the courage to do so.

I found some from somewhere...the bus is violent again…I get this gut feeling that this whole situation can not be good...lol

I go to poke his leg...then i stop myself. What happens if I poke Ellis’ leg and poke his thing?!?!?

But you know, Reader, I don’t even care anymore. It would be funny...and then again my thinking changes to: I hope I poke his thing. It would definitely
make my morning! I could tell my sister and all my junior staff co-workers
about Ellis. Yep. I’m gonna poke Ellis!

So now, I have all this courage, I have my speech together, Im ready!

I poke him in his upper thigh...
…he looks down at me with a smile...
...i put on my grit face...
…and i say, while pointing: "your fly's open."

WHAT?!?!?! YOUR FLY'S OPEN!?!?!? FOR REAL, COURTNEY, FOR
REAL?!?!


WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU???


Arrrggghhhhh!!!!

He then says: "hahhaha oh shit! im sorry miss lady...and i got my junk all
in your face...what a way to start the morning, huh?" <-- he's shaking his
knees and zipping his pants while saying this. IN MY FACE! STILL!

I literally put my hand on my forehead and shook my head.

Next stop is mine...I exit, stage left.